Category Archives: anger management

Adding Value

Here is an interesting concept!

The only purpose we have in life is to add value…

I have been toying with the idea of the meaning of life – heavy philosophical stuff you may think, but a perfectly natural occurrence or all of us, and I have observed that the only constant that permeates through out the whole of our existence, and in all spheres of our existence is the concept of value. The basic premise is;

How much value do I need to add to get the value I want out?

“RUBBISH, never – I am not that superficial, I’m a good person!” you may shout and you will be 100% correct, but (don’t you just hate those but’s?) the very concept of being a good person and striving to do your best is an act of adding value for a particular gain, even if the gain is just the satisfaction of facing responsibility, or the satisfaction of helping, or even experiencing religious reverence.

As a simple illustration, ask yourself;

Why do you shop at X store, or are friends with X person?

Because at some level the perceived value of your engagement with the store or the person adds value to your life.

Another aspect of this thought process occurs when you feel as if you are unable to perform a task, or to help someone. You feel bad, insecure, or embarrassed because you feel as if you are not able to add the necessary expected value.

The amount of perceived value that we add to life is directly responsible for how we feel about ourselves and our self worth.

I encourage you this week to go out there and add as much value to your customers, co workers, family and any other circumstance that you may find yourself in. Even in difficult circumstances, be firm and add value!

In so doing, everyone that you come into contact with has a better opportunity to thrive, and you have the opportunity to feel valued.

Humanity is a wonderful and complicated interconnection of “customer support” in which we play a crucial role, so go out there and be valuable and have fun!

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Getting the Timing Right

How long did it take you to learn to ride a bicycle?

How many times did you fall off that bicycle before you got it right?

Why then do we expect that other areas of our lives will run smoothly and hassle free on the first try?

There are so many variables interacting and influencing our lives that is amazing that we get anything together at all!

It seems that the only way that we as humans can progress along a chosen path is to assess all the variables and order them in such a way that the transaction or set of actions progresses in a specific order to get us to our desired outcome. In most cases, if something goes wrong, the whole process stops and we have to re evaluate the order in which we placed the variables and try again. Success in life seems to be all about implementing the right formula with a compatible set of circumstances at the right time.

To get the timing right, you need to observe and be patient!

Observe the outcomes of your actions as they are today. Judge for yourself if the outcome is acceptable to you in relation to your expectation. If you are not satisfied, look at the actions that you took and see where your actions can be improved. Also look at the technology available and decide for yourself if you need to upgrade it or even adapt it to suit your purpose better. It is pointless inventing an iPod like device and not having access to suitable memory technology.

Don’t lose sight of your end goal. Be patient!

Allow other important variables to mature to a point where they are compatible and can add meaningful value to the action that you need to take to successfully achieve your goal.

In most cases you will notice that a lack of success is nothing more that a timing issue. Don’t be too hard on yourself, re assess your actions and try again!

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Speed-bumps and Potholes

Speed-bumps and Potholes

Have you ever been cruising comfortably through life, everything going according to plan when suddenly BAM!

You hit a speed-bump or pothole and your well made plans are lying in tatters at your feet leaving you struggling to cope?

Logically we know that life is carrying on, that we are alive and coping, but things are no longer working out as planned and the feelings of joy, happiness and freedom have gone!

In this type of situation, it is vital to keep our perspective flexible and mobile. We need to be able to quickly and efficiently zoom our perspective into and out of the situation and its results that are being currently experienced. Try this zooming for a moment.

Select a small problem that you are experiencing. Focus on the minute details of it, then imagine yourself zooming out and seeing you problem in relation to your co-workers, your family, your neighbourhood or even further out if you can.

Did you notice how the perceived severity of your problem changes?

This fluidity of perspective allows us to gain different understandings of the situation and there by enables us to make better decisions about what we need to do to regain our comfortable cruising along equilibrium.

Once our perspective begins to shift, we are able to make informed and good decisions and we should usually feel empowered enough to take decisive action to get ourselves back into equilibrium.

Remember to check your spare wheel occasionally…. always be aware of your financial, moral and emotional situation and use your speed-bumps and potholes to slow you down enough to prevent yourself over committing to things that may not be necessary or appropriate for you in you life as it is now.

Speed-bumps and potholes are a wonderful way for us to slow down, take stock of our position, appreciate what we have and move decisively into our future!

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Dont get Lost

I love to see politicians squirm when having to answer difficult questions, to see robust debate and even physical confrontation in parliaments or political assemblies. I love to read the heated comments on news forums, watch the inner warrior come to the fore and propose or defend a particular point of view or opinion, I love to watch and see how opinion is swayed against logic by skilfully crafted emotional argument.

Am I mad you may ask – possibly!

These forums and parliaments are supposed to work like that!

We are supposed to engage each other to explore, explain, express and air our frustrations and grievances in ways that are not physically harmful to ourselves or others.

The problem with this is when we lose ourselves in the debate, when we suspend reason and logic and engage in maliciousness and hate.

Every single one of us is unique and as such we are always perfect all the time. Don’t lose yourself in the cacophony of external opinion, engage that opinion yes, but maintain your humanness, your personal values and identity.

If you have never thought about this why not write down what is important to you. The usual suspects will appear, family friends and work, but I urge you to delve a bit deeper. Look at your inner core and see what is important to who you think you are and how you define yourself. These observations will change over time, but for now understand the core of who you are and what you stand for and why.

Then revisit those forums or parliamentary debate channels and see how your interaction has matured.

Don’t lose yourself in the drama, rise above it with wisdom and enjoy it!

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Wisdom

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.

Confucius

A dictionary defines wisdom as an experience when knowledge has brought about right action.

From this we can conclude that we are all wise because there is some knowledge that is unique to us that has prompted some form of right action from us which we have experienced.

It seems to be a habit in the Western world to look outside of ourselves to attain wisdom. The reason for this is that we all aspire to greatness in our own way, and in so doing, we look to others to guide us on our path. This seems to be the second step mentioned above in the quotation by Confucius. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this method, but I want to challenge you to take things a step further, let’s push ourselves out of our comfort zone for a moment.

Lets be noble and bitter at the same time!

Take a moment to reflect on the unique knowledge that you have. Look for simple every day things to start with and allow your reflection to expand out to greater understandings and concepts that you have. Make a note of these things. After 20 minutes or so, I bet you will be amazed at how much unique knowledge you actually have.

Now look at those notes that you took. Start at the top of the list and understand or recollect what course of action brought you to that knowledge. This may or may not be “bitter”, in fact you will probably find that there are predominantly good and happy chains of events that lead up to your acquisition of knowledge.

We are all infinitely wise in our own lives. take courage and share some of yourself and your wisdom with others where appropriate. Allow yourself to be the motivation for others journey to wisdom!

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Being Present

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment” Buddha (enlightened person)

How much time have you spent today thinking about what could be?

How much of that future daydream was taken up by good or bad thoughts, which one predominated?

Is this what you want to experience now?

How much of your time today was spent thinking about what has been, or what could have been?

How much of that past daydream was taken up by good or bad thoughts, which one predominated?

Is this what you want to experience now?

How many of us actually have tried experiencing the moment?

How wonderful is that experience of feeling the warm sun on your back while you take a break while working outdoors, or savouring that first sip of tea or coffee, eyes closed to the world just enjoying that single moment, or snuggling down into a warm bed after a hard stressful days work?

These moments of pure freedom, pure bliss, pure at-one-ness with one’s self are what the sages of the ages have been talking about. Yes, we all need to understand our past experiences and yes, we all need to have a goal for our future, BUT all we actually have in our lives is a long string of ever expanding and interconnecting single moments in time.

The best part of understanding this concept is the realisation that only you have the power and resources to control how you feel in any given moment. You choose to feel good, bad, angry, sad, happy or what ever it is. Your emotions are a result of an experience in your past, your emotions are a hormonal response to an external trigger that has triggered that hormonal release. The hormonal trigger has already happened and now resides in your past, leaving your present open for a decision that will most likely determine how you will feel in the near future.

A simple trick is to do things in reverse!

Decide right now how you would like to feel in a few moments time, then follow a course of physical action that will bring about that feeling. In this way, by focusing on your present right now, you can make better decisions about your future. If you don’t have the power and understanding of your now moment, you will not have a starting point for your future.

Listen to the advice of the Buddha and become the sage in your own life!

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Why Wait?

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

Barack Obama

You have got an ides of where you want to be – so why are you not there?

Why wait?

Go out and do what ever it is that you need to do to get you to where you want to be. Easy as that!

Why do we wait?

Waiting has both positive and negative aspects to it. Some of the positive aspects are thst waiting allows you to re assess important decisions thereby minimizing your risk of loss or injury. Waiting also allows things, ideas and circumstances to mature or become better that they were, like with a good cheese or whine, or even an investment portfolio. I am sure the positive aspects of waiting are understood by us all!

The negative aspects of waiting are a lot more sinister, yet somehow intrinsically linked to their positive counterparts. We wait too long before apologizing or appreciating a loved one, we wait too long to buy that investment portfolio, or we wait too long to make challenging business calls.

It seems that one of the main motivations behind our inappropriate waiting is fear . A fear of pain or loss. If we analyze this further, we may realize that the fear is not really appropriate, and it may even be a habit!

Mastering the waiting game is nothing more that finding an appropriate balance between the positive and the negative aspects of waiting. This balance should allows us to exercise due caution and still allow us to act with the freedom we choose to get to where we want to be.

Assess yourself responsibly, wait smart and let waiting bring grace and balance into your life and let waiting accelerate you towards the fulfillment of your personal goals

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Pain

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”

Khalil Gibran

“The last three or four reps is what makes the muscle grow. This area of pain divides the champion from someone else who is not a champion. That’s what most people lack, having the guts to go on and just say they’ll go through the pain no matter what happens.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Wow!
Interesting that two very different people, Khalil Gibran and Arnold Schwartzenegger, in their own way come to the same understanding of a simple everyday thing called pain!

most of us feel two different types of pain. The first type is physical – you have an injury and your body feels pain. The second type is emotional pain – a harsh word, a relationship break up, anything that happens that is not physical where the response is emotional pain.

It is interesting to observe that once a person has been through and overcome a certain amount of both of there types of pain, they seem to be stronger, wiser and better off for the experience.

What is it within each one of us that fortifies us in the face of pain, allows us to feel the depths of pain that we never thought imaginable and then pushes us through and out the other side?
It seems as if this painful tempering process isn’t only part of our humanness, but that it is an essential part in our emotional any physical learning and maturing process.

Identify the source of your pain. If it is physical, deal with it appropriately. Never forget that pain is the body’s way of drawing your attention to any part of the body that is injured or not functioning at its best.
If you are experiencing emotional pain, identify the emotion, then look deeper within yourself to the cause of that emotion. Find out what caused the disharmony. What were you expecting the outcome to be, and how does that outcome differ from what you are now experiencing?
As best as you can, observe the situation as a learning experience and decide how you can upgrade and update your expectations to bring about a more harmonious result the next time.

It is a very good idea to write this all down. Writing serves to lessen our emotional response, and forces us to order our thoughts. Writing effectively stops the emotional roller-coaster in its tracks and allows us to observe for the moment.

Have courage, embrace your pain, understand it and allow yourself to heal stronger and wiser.

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Being Positive

“When you’re smilin’ keep on smilin’
The whole world smiles with you
And when you’re laughin’ oh when youre laughin’
The sun comes shinin through” Louis Armstrong

Contrived, yes.
True and effective, yes.

How many of you have attended a self help / positive thinking seminar, or read The Secret, or are applying principles of positive thinking?
How is this all working out for you?

The secret to all of those seminars is the harmonizing of frequency. If you focus on your intention or goal often enough and hard enough, you start to resonate on a spiritual level with your intention. This in turn attracts it into your life. There is no right or wrong, good or bad, or secret new age spiritual formula. The principle of matter following thought or intention was proved in the early days (1920s) of quantum mechanics by a physicist called Heisenberg.

As you have a thought, that thought resonates out to the universe propelled by its intention. That thought intention combination creates an emotional response in your physical body. The emotional resonance serves to re enforce the intention of the thought as well as allowing us to re calibrate – to fine tune or decide if that is what we really want. If we are busy and not consciously aware of our thought process, there is no recalibration safety net, and the thought, intention and emotional combination starts to change the frequency of what we are experiencing. That is why there are days when everything goes right or wrong.

Being positive is a thought process, a mindset and a resultant frequency. You are experiencing what you are thinking and feeling, so you may as well resonate with the positive aspects of who you are and what you want.

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Anger

Anger is a very basic survival response. It is triggered when we don’t get what we want, when our expectation is not met. Anger is not a conscious decision, it is a response to circumstance. The physical action taken by the person in response to the anger response in most cases is premeditated, and as such said action is designed specifically to compensate for the expectation that was not met. The premeditated action is the payback …

I say that the response is premeditated because a conscious decision is taken by the individual immediately after the anger response to perform the action.

Observations made of clients with “anger management” issues have resulted in the conclusion that in the “anger management” cases that I have observed, the inability to control anger occurs when the individual is directing their physical and psychological response to someone or others who are perceived as being weaker than themselves. I have never observed a perpetrator directing their anger at a boss, bouncer, bodybuilder etc. The anger has always been directed at the dog, or child, or wife, or weaker person. One can therefor conclude that if the anger can be controlled by the person under certain circumstances, when their well binge may be compromised, that they consciously decide to direct their anger response at a consciously selected target.

If this action is externalised, it can be destructive to others, if it is internalised, it can be destructive to the individual. In all cases the action causes physical and psychological trauma in others. This trauma is the desired outcome for the person who is angry.

Before you lash out at a loved one, or berate yourself internally, take a look at our anger response, and ask yourself what it is that you did not receive.

What is the expectation that was not met that caused you to have your initial natural anger response?

Then ask yourself if the set of actions that you area bout to take against another or yourself is what you really want to do, and if it is appropriate for the achievement of your long term goals.

Take charge of your life, understand yourself and make a difference!

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