Monthly Archives: February 2014

When do I need help?

Why do we feel that if we ask for help, we are a failure?

Why do we expect ourselves to know everything?

An airline pilot undergoes years of intensive training and apprenticeship understudy systems before he / she is able to successfully fly you to your exotic holiday destination. No one expects an aspiring pilot to step out of his / her car and straight into the cockpit of a multi-million dollar air-plane.

Why then do we expect ourselves to be able to cope immediately and effectively with any and every diverse and complicated situation presented to us in life?

the first thing we need to accept is that there is no shame in asking for help or advice. We are all unique human beings living, for now on this proverbial spaceship called Earth. Each one of us has a wealth of knowledge and experience and our survival method is unique to us. Logic therefore dictates that if we are encountering a problem, then most likely someone in our immediate circle of friends and acquaintances is either going through a similar challenge, or has already successfully overcome a similar challenge.

Observe your actions and your outcomes and answer two very simple questions;

Is what I am doing working out for me in the way that I want it to?

Am I happy?

If your answer is YES, keep on doing what you are doing!

If your answer is NO, then look around you for someone who has achieved what you want to achieve. Approach that person and ask them how they did it!

If you are having problems with emotion, self worth depression, anger, or similar, first write down exactly what you are feeling and when you are feeling it, then approach a qualified professional.

There is no shame in asking for help, and the sooner you get the information you need to achieve what you want, the easier and more fun life becomes!

You can do it!

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Listening

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply” Stehpen R. Covey

How often to you feel as if you have been heard?

How often do you understand what is being said to you?

Do we listen carefully, or do we listen to others and try to understand their perspective, or do we listen with the intention of being right?

The intricacies of verbal communication are dependent on culture, society, belief, emotion and perceived position. No wonder most of us don’t always say what we mean or hear with is being said!

Problems arise when our ability to speak and listen efficiently are compromised. In the moment of conversation, make a point of first listening to the words that people are saying, then analysing the context from which the words are coming. This should allow you to find a more stable meaning or intention behind the words.

If you have any doubts, ask the person to repeat what they have said, or like a good waitron in a restaurant, summarise what has been said and repeat it back to the person for clarity.

If you have the time, you can try to link listening to writing. Sometimes when I facilitate mediation between parties, I get one party (A) to speak, and the conflicting party (B) to write down exactly what is being said. Once this is done, the conflicting (B) party reads back what has been written, and corrections of meaning are made. Then the parties then swap roles.

This is a wonderful, non invasive, non conflicting way for people to work through potentially emotionally volatile negotiations or meditations and arrive at a meaningful outcome. The writing allows both parties to express themselves clearly and to listen carefully to what is being said, as well as facilitating greater understanding of what is intended.

This week, do your best to speak clearly, and think things through before you speak. Listen with intention to everything people are saying, then formulate your response. Take time to be clear and get clarity and you will reduce frustration and conflict!

Ask yourself:

What is being said?

Why is the information presented in this way?

How can I convey my meaning to others clearly?

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Tolerance

“If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships – the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.” Franklin D Roosevelt

Why is it so hard for us to engage each other in a peaceful and meaningful way?

Is your own opinion so important that you are willing to kill, but in most cases, not die for it?

In a world full of violence and strife, how can we move forward with peace, love and understanding, and still get what we want?

The first step to doing this is to truly understand who you are. Get inside your own psyche and understand the what, where and how of our decision making process.

In most cases, the decisions we make are based on information and experiences that we have already experienced and assimilated. we have a default attitude that if things have worked for us in the past, we should do them again in the same way.

This is fine and works well for us in extreme and or survival situations, but this default process is completely inappropriate when we become a functioning member of society. The paradoxical nature of a society (a collective to enhance security) diminishes our need for a survival response, yet instinctively we gravitate towards our old patterns when under pressure.

The greatest misconception prevalent in societies today is the concept that the majority is right. This notion removes personal conception and accountability, and is the reason so many heinous crimes have been, and are still being committed against societies that differ from that of the specific perpetrators.

It takes great courage to take a stand against what is wrong, and against the majority, yet there are many many people who do just that every day. If they can do it, so can you!

This week, ask yourself;

 

Is this action really what I want to do?

Why does “the other” frustrate me?

How do I feel in relation to others and why?

How would I like to act?

 

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Under Pressure

“Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”
Chinese Proverb

We run around from person to person, from meeting to meeting, from situation to situation and back again, always squeezing in a little bit more, day in day out….

Sound familiar?

Why do we do this, put ourselves second so we can do stuff for others over and over again?

When do you ever do YOUR stuff?

Those of you who have attended one of my stress courses will remember that the main thrust of the course is to develop conscious awareness of ourselves in our environment so we can then initiate change on our terms.

To do this however we need to find out what it is and why exactly we are under pressure.

The problem with this self analysis is that our logical mind is always trying to please or limit us in accordance to our reference points in society. These reference points very seldom have any bearing to who we actually are.

How many times have you been in traffic, or at work and have been daydreaming about playing golf, or hiking in some mountains, or making great lunch?

This shows that who you are and who you would like to be are two separate levels of consciousness and experience. The trick to relieving stress or pressure in life is to understand the motivation behind what you are doing, and the long term effects on your life that may result from these actions. Once you have documented that, you can then compare your answers to where you would like to be and start to initiate plans to get to where you want to be.

We all have responsibility to face, but we don’t have to suffer while we are fulfilling those responsibilities. In some cases we can choose to either change the responsibility or change the actions we preform to fulfill them. We just need to be aware of what we re doing!

This week, ask yourself WHY

-Why and I doing this?

– What’s in it for me?

– Do I need or want this?

– How will this action get me to where I want to be in life?

 

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